Alice and Bernie: By Death Bemused

A Brief Conversational Narrative by David L. Haase

Episode 6: In which Bernie gets breakfast and the police get stumped.

“Alice, I think we’re lost.”

“What are you talking about, Bernie?”

“You said Gracie lives in San Lorenzo. That’s north. We’re going south.”

“Since when do you read road signs?”

“Well, Alice, I might not be able to see the road signs, but I can tell which side of the bus the sun is shining in. It’s shining in the left side of the bus. That means we’re going south.”

“I’ll look for road signs. Pablo up there seems to know what he’s doing.”

“Maybe we could stop at a McDonald’s and ask for directions. Someone in the restaurant is bound to know how to speak Spanish.”

“Bernie, is your stomach the only thing you think about?”

“Alice, you listen to me. Crackers and water are not breakfast. We’re lost and getting more lost. We need to let Gracie know that we’re all right. If the police contact her before we do, she’ll be worried sick. And she’s not responsible for how you feel about her father.”

“All right already. We’ll get you some food and directions, and I’ll let Gracie know what’s going on. Will that satisfy you?”

“Of course. Thank you, Alice. I know you mean well, but I think you assume everyone is as hardy as you are.”

Alice puffed up. Bernie smiled.

“Hey, Pablo, do you comprendez McDonald’s?”

“McDonald’s, si. Big Mac.”

“No Big Mac. Egg McMuffin, you ninny. Of all the illegal Hispanics, we pick the one who can’t even speak McDonald’s.”

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“Sarge, we had them and we lost them.”

“What do you mean, lost them?”

“Northbound state trooper on I-5 thinks he ID’d them, but had to go two miles up the road to a crossover. By the time he got to where they should have been, they weren’t there. State Police figure they must have gotten off at the next exit.”

“Are the local cops alerted?”

“Yeah, sarge, they are, but there’s a problem.”

“What’s that?”

“The exit they must have used? There’s a high school band competition going on right off the exit. There are literally hundreds of school buses parked all over. We don’t have any identifying marks on the bus; it will take hours to search them all.”

“That does it, Phil. Time to call in the Feds. Let them figure it out. I’ll call the chief. You stay on the State Police.”

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Next Up: Episode 7 – In which Alice tells Bosco’s tail.

Alice and Bernie: By Death Bemused

A Brief Conversational Narrative by David L. Haase

Episode 5: In which the police step in.

“Sarge, it looks like a kidnapping. Do we call in the FBI?”

Detective Phil Glans of the Fairfield Police Department started briefing his old partner, Charlie Reid, now a detective sergeant and mostly a desk squatter. Only a slow Saturday would get him out of the office.

“Fill me in,” the sergeant said.

“This is some kind of church camp that mixes old people and young Asian kids. It gives the geezers a break from the old folk’s home and it helps new Asian immigrants get used to the country. Win-win.”

“Where do they get the geezers?”

“Local old folk’s homes. The camp pays their expenses. The homes are glad reduce patient loads for a weekend. Like I said, win-win all around.”

“And the Hispanic kidnapper?”

“Works for a local lawn service.”

“Illegal?”

“No. He’s got a work permit, but he doesn’t speak any English.”

“Why would he kidnap two old ladies?”

“No idea. Figuring out motives is above my pay grade.”

Det. Glans was more than happy to speculate, but he thought it wouldn’t hurt old Charlie to take a dig about his new exalted status now and then.

“Do we have a line on which way they’re heading?”

“Bunch of high school kids, like escorts for the old folks, saw them leave and said he turned south toward the interstate. We’ve got an APB out. Shouldn’t be that many school buses on the I-5 on a Saturday.”

“All right. Stay on it. Who’s in charge of the camp?”

“Worried looking Asian guy over there. A Mr. Hu.”

“Who?”

“Come on, sarge. Not that old joke.”

“No sense of humor. You used to have a sense of humor when you rode with me.”

“No, I just put up with your dumb jokes.”
”He does look worried, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. I would be, too, if I lost two old ladies. Media types are going to descend like vultures any minute. Missing school bus. Slow news day.”

“Yeah. Why don’t you call public affairs? Let them know what’s shaking. I’ll go see Mr. Hu. While you’re at it, just run a check on Hu and this camp. Touch all the bases.”

“What about FBI?”

“Let’s work it a little before we call them. If it looks like it’s going to get messy or end unhappily, we can let the glory hogs take over. But how hard can it be to find a school bus?”

“You’re the boss,” the detective said. Under his breath he added, “And it scares me to death.”

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Up Next: Episode 6 – In which Bernie gets breakfast and the police get stumped.