Alice and Bernie: By Death Bemused VI

Alice and Bernie: By Death Bemused

A Brief Conversational Narrative by David L. Haase


Episode 6: In which Bernie gets breakfast and the police get stumped.

“Alice, I think we’re lost.”

“What are you talking about, Bernie?”

“You said Gracie lives in San Lorenzo. That’s north. We’re going south.”

“Since when do you read road signs?”

“Well, Alice, I might not be able to see the road signs, but I can tell which side of the bus the sun is shining in. It’s shining in the left side of the bus. That means we’re going south.”

“I’ll look for road signs. Pablo up there seems to know what he’s doing.”

“Maybe we could stop at a McDonald’s and ask for directions. Someone in the restaurant is bound to know how to speak Spanish.”

“Bernie, is your stomach the only thing you think about?”

“Alice, you listen to me. Crackers and water are not breakfast. We’re lost and getting more lost. We need to let Gracie know that we’re all right. If the police contact her before we do, she’ll be worried sick. And she’s not responsible for how you feel about her father.”

“All right already. We’ll get you some food and directions, and I’ll let Gracie know what’s going on. Will that satisfy you?”

“Of course. Thank you, Alice. I know you mean well, but I think you assume everyone is as hardy as you are.”

Alice puffed up. Bernie smiled.

“Hey, Pablo, do you comprendez McDonald’s?”

“McDonald’s, si. Big Mac.”

“No Big Mac. Egg McMuffin, you ninny. Of all the illegal Hispanics, we pick the one who can’t even speak McDonald’s.”


“Sarge, we had them and we lost them.”

“What do you mean, lost them?”

“Northbound state trooper on I-5 thinks he ID’d them, but had to go two miles up the road to a crossover. By the time he got to where they should have been, they weren’t there. State Police figure they must have gotten off at the next exit.”

“Are the local cops alerted?”

“Yeah, sarge, they are, but there’s a problem.”

“What’s that?”

“The exit they must have used? There’s a high school band competition going on right off the exit. There are literally hundreds of school buses parked all over. We don’t have any identifying marks on the bus; it will take hours to search them all.”

“That does it, Phil. Time to call in the Feds. Let them figure it out. I’ll call the chief. You stay on the State Police.”


Next Up: Episode 7 – In which Alice tells Bosco’s tail.

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