Alice and Bernie: By Death Bemused

A Brief Conversational Narrative by David L. Haase

Episode 3: In which Alice hatches a plan.

Bernie hated it when Alice had a plan. It always ended in the Administrator’s office at St. Gertrude the Great’s Residential Living for Seniors with Sister Maria Theresa looking over her glasses and saying things like, “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I can’t believe you let Alice talk you into that.”

So here it was, another invitation into Sister Maria Theresa’s office.

“You see that gardener over there?” Alice asked. “No, don’t look.”

“Well, you asked, and I can’t see if I don’t look.”

“There’s a gardener over there. He’s putting mulch around the bushes.”

“I thought I smelled new mulch. I think mulch just tidies up a garden so nicely, don’t you, Alice?”

“Bernie, this is not about the garden. It’s about the gardener.”

“What about the gardener?”

“He’s an illegal alien.”

“Really? How can you tell?”

“Bernie, sometimes I wonder about you. Eleven million Hispanics in America are illegal. Have you ever seen a legal one?”

“Well, Alice, I don’t know how to tell a legal one from an illegal one. They all seem very nice to me.”

“The illegal ones are shifty, Bernie, and this guy looks shifty.”

“But, Alice, if people think all the Hispanics are illegal, wouldn’t a legal Hispanic have reason to look shifty, too?”

“Bernice, I don’t know how a dingbat like you ever got the vote.”

“What does my vote have to do with your plan? And you know I don’t like that name.”

Bernie looked offended and disappointed at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Bernie, it just slipped out. Now here’s my plan.”

“Do I have to listen to your plan now? Couldn’t we discuss it later, after dinner perhaps?”

“Well, I suppose we could. Is it five o’clock yet?”

“I don’t know, but my stomach tells me it’s past supper time.”

Thanks goodness, Bernie thought. I can count on Alice being punctual about her meals. But what if they put the poison in the meatloaf tonight?

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Up Next: Episode 4 – In which a kidnapping takes place.